No matter how beautiful a garden is in the beginning, if left unattended it will start having weeds and eventually lose its beauty.
A marriage should never be left to chance or on autopilot. It must be nurtured like a garden. This may not always be easy, but worthwhile if the garden is nurtured by both parties involved.
Today, on my second wedding anniversary, I reflect on the key lessons that I have learnt so far since we embarked on this journey with my wife.
1. Understand each other’s Love Language
When we got married, my wife would make comments like:
“You don’t spend time with me, it’s like your phone is more important to you than me.”
At the time, I didn’t understand because each time I would knock off from work, I went straight home, and we would spend most of the evening in the same room. We would sit on the same couch and watch TV together for most parts of our evening. I didn’t get why she would say that and for most parts I would just let it go thinking it is just how women are.
A friend of mine had recommended a book prior to our wedding titled 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. One day as I passed through a bookstore, I saw the book and picked it up. It was a game changer! We came to understand our love languages. The book helped me understand that being with someone in the same room while on the phone is not the same as spending time together, especially if someone’s love language is quality time. My wife also got to know what activities she can focus on to make me feel more loved (Acts of service).
What is your love language? What is your partner’s love language?
Understanding this may be the difference between a happy marriage and an unhappy one.
2. Schedule activities you enjoy doing together
During our dating phase, we were so spontaneous as we went on several dates and took some adventure trips. We spoke of how we would continue to do this even in marriage. Fast forward 1 year down the line, there was hardly any trip we took apart from the honeymoon.
Afterwards, we were embroiled in the busyness of life. Bills to pay, projects to undertake, never ending pressure at work, family issues, etc. There was hardly any time, or money left over to do things for fun.
The spontaneity which worked during the dating phase wasn’t there anymore. At the beginning of 2nd year, we realized that the biggest problem wasn’t that we didn’t want to go out on more dates, but it was not clear when and how we would go about it. Two critical things we identified were time and resources.
Schedule the main and minor adventures (things you enjoy) to undertake and around which periods of the year, month and week depending on the activity. Also set aside some money (e.g. percentage of income, etc) each month to go into the “fun” account and this should not to be used for anything else. It doesn’t matter the amount but the key is to have discipline to save in order to “spoil” yourselves occasionally.
Don’t leave your fun to chance or to the time when you retire and get your pension. Problems and busyness will never end.
What activities do you enjoy doing together as a couple? Travel, going out for movies, getting each other gifts, hosting parties, etc. Looking at what you did during your dating phase may be a good place to get ideas from.
Once you look back at your journey after many years, the memories you created together will be what you will probably appreciate the most.
Invest in your memories! Don’t leave them to chance!
3. Practice some daily “rituals”
This is something which happened unintentionally. Life is mostly about routine (repeat same things over and over). We wake up at the same time, do the same things before we leave home to go to our workplaces and then get back home almost at the same time and do almost the same things before going to bed. If we are not intentional about it, the days will continue to go on autopilot.
Identify some daily routine activities where you can do certain things together even if it is just for a few minutes. One of the things we do is watch the Zambezi Magic series Mpali on DSTV. This is one of the shows in which we were both invested in even prior to our marriage and it has continued to be a key part of our lives. No matter what we would be doing, when time hits 8:30pm, we sit on the couch and get entertained by this interesting drama. We also do the Daily text (Examining the scriptures daily) discussing a bible verse for the day each morning around 6:30am for about 10 minutes.
This now happens automatically and gives us an opportunity to pray as a couple before starting the day. During the weekends, there is time deliberately set aside for certain activities such as movie dates, attending Christian meetings and going out for an outdoor activity.
The key is not just wanting to do things but setting the intention for the activities by being clear about what is to be done, when it will be done and how it will be done.
4. Put Up with one another
When you have stayed with someone for some time, you begin to see their flaws. It is very easy to start focusing on the shortcomings of our partners. I certainly observed this in our marriage. And this would “tick me off” and I wouldn’t hesitate to complain to my wife. One thing which has helped us a lot was these periods is that during our marriage counselling; an emphasis was put on this aspect of life:
“We are two different people with uniquely two different backgrounds. We will not always agree and there is something which she likes which I may not necessarily enjoy.”
My wife likes to binge watch movies, and, on a weekend, she can sit and watch one movie after the other while still in bed and I wouldn’t get her. It would sometimes get on my nerves. On occasions, I also like to sit in the bedroom and just write in my journal for hours and my wife would come in and say it seems you don’t want to spend time with me.
My wife likes to watch fantasy movies and I like to watch documentaries and we may want to watch our program’s at the same time and not willing to compromise. This would lead to misunderstandings.
One scripture which has helped us is the book of Colossians 3:13:
“Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely even if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Just as Jehovah freely forgave you, you must also do the same.”
There will never be a perfect harmony between two people as we are not perfect. And even if you enjoy similar things, there will always be some areas in which you just have to “put up with each other”. If it is not something bordering on emotional or physical abuse, etc. let us strive to be best for each other.
Not everything is worth fighting for. Sometimes it’s good to just let your partner have it if it’s what makes them truly happy and it “doesn’t kill you”. You will find that once they are happy, they will most likely save you well and their joy in doing the activity might rub off on you.
5. Remember why you started
Why are Independence Day commemorations of a country held? I think it is a reminder of why they started on this journey or why they exist as they are. A reminder that it wasn’t by accident but it was driven by certain desires and actions that were undertaken by themselves (or their ancestors).
An anniversary is a good opportunity to remind a couple why and where they started from. And in much the same way that even a country that seemed to have lost track since it acquired its independence invests a lot in its Independence Day anniversary, the same effort should go into the wedding anniversary. This is the day that should be a holiday and in which you can sit down to look at the wedding videos and photos of that day. To look back at the day you met or fell in love with each other for the first time, the dating phase and all the moments (especially the good experiences) you have had on your journey.
A wedding anniversary is a good way to rekindle the fire that you started and invest the lessons gathered from the previous years into the next year of your marriage.
Leave a Reply